missing

I'm currently deployed in Kuwait. In a country nothing like my own. One with such sadness, such despair, and yet I wonder why people come here. Why did I volunteer to suffer in this place? I'm trying so desperately to not lose hope to not give up on that tiny whim of hope I have kept so fragilely safe the last few years. I have recently gotten married. In fact I was a totally non-committed a single mom when I said I would deploy. And now I am a married mom married to in fact another soldier not in my damn unit though. My husband god save his soul is a saint. He loves my daughter and I and all our broken pieces we have dragged along with us. He loves us unconditionally and he for once accepts me for who I really am. For whom I don’t even know. But he is also in the military as I said and he deploys the same month I am expected home. What a horrible tale of events that is.  I could draw a time line showing all the heart break along the way, all the tears that are still left to be shed, all the nights spent alone, but then again I can’t draw so it would be more of a line figure scribbly thing. Which trust me it would not be pretty. So I'm starting this to get the jumble of thoughts of my brain, and yes I am more random then any one I have ever met. So what shall I write about? Hmmmmmm…………

Well I am having trouble tonight. I have tried to Skype my husband and no luck. Then tried instant messaging no luck, but no this is a recurring topic. I honestly think someone is out to get out and trying to tell us you shall fail! But I know we won’t. We will end all this deployment crap, this sadness and have only seen each other a total of 44 days! 44 days! Holy fucking shit, 44 days is nothing when you think about that 44 days in 2 years. Now I need to write about how we met but I will add that on another post so I don’t bore you to tears. Because tears on your keyboard well there nothing like tears in a beer bottle, there un safe and your computer or laptop does not appreciate wiping up your sorrow. I am a bit of a basket case. I bit of an emotionally drained, depressed, zombie of the lady I once was. I am more like a shell walking through life trying to make it by. My dreams consume me for there the last bit of life I have. My daughter goes on living and I know nothing of what she does from day to day. my fellow soldiers mull around in their own hell, their own gloom and none of us are able to fully reach out to one another. None of us are able to find joy or happiness. And again I ask myself why did we sign up for this? Ok I know the main reason but damn why?

And here I am starting a blog so maybe one day my so called friends don’t find me hovered in a corner crying my eyes dry. So maybe maybe one day I can look back and say it wasn’t that bad. This might be my escape, my personal endeavor to the happy me I once had. Oh what a day that will be to find that hyper, “wild” girl again. So I'm here till May 2012 I started train up may 11 2011. I got married July 15, my daughter she turned the old age of 2 this august. I'm a crazy red head, with a fiery spirit and full of smart ass remarks, and oh do I talk shit, but the walk I don’t have because I'm just a scared lonely person inside.  But I must not ramble on any more for those of you who might suffer and read this, thank you if you do.

kristin